Sunday, February 27, 2005

Fellatio Haiku Contest

Okay, do NOT ask me how i came across this little gem. Suffice it to say i was suitably intrigued by the contest set up in celebration of Steak & Blow Job Day. (It just gets better and better, doesn't it.) Now i'm assuming this is all farce for the woman (yes, WOMAN) who set up all this fun and joy. Then again, who wouldn't want a nice gift certificate for a special holiday.

If anybody out there decides to celebrate, please feel free to share. As for my celebration, well, we don't eat steak, but i guess i could still give away just one gift certificate to a very special someone ...

Tuesday, February 15, 2005

People are doing a LOT around Valentine's Day

I mean a lot.

I've been catching up on my blogs around the world and everybody, whether they're in a relationship or not, seems to have been caught up in the significance of Valentine's Day. Everybody was either glowing about how special it was, or seething over how much they hated it, or being very careful to respond to it in very academic, thoughtful terms. But everybody was feeling that it was Valentine's Day.

Are you SERIOUS?

Basically, you're telling me that folks get all worked up over an ancient Roman fertility festival and a few Catholic martyrs? Oh, and don't forget the popular "it's just a conspiracy of the greeting card companies to sell product" theory. Think that's hooey? Well greeting card companies have been mass producing Valentine's cards for more than 150 years now. Sounds like big business to me.

I guess i'm most surprised by my LGBT family, and the way we buy into these crazy notions. Trust me when i say there is nothing in the history of this "holiday" that was meant for us. Yet we go for it as if we were all maidens waiting to be touched by goatskin-clad priests blessing us with baby-making potential. (Lost? Check the earliest origins of mid-February festivals.)

Bottom line, this celebration of love is about as artificial as the celebration of Jesus' birth on December 25. Why we pin so much significance to it -- not to mention personal mental health and self-esteem -- is WAAAAAAAAAAY beyond me. I've been single and i've been coupled and i've never felt anything but put out by Valentine's Day.


ANNOUNCER: "You may now return to your regularly scheduled programming of The Love Hater." (And no, i ain't he.)


Did i miss Valentine's Day?


Sunday, February 13, 2005


Depression is supposed to be the result of some chemical imbalance in the brain, right? (Or is that just a pharmaceutical company sales tactic?) So why is it i get depressed every time i go to the grocery store. More to the point -- and i just realized this yesterday in Publix -- why every time i walk down the frozen food isle? I can be feeling happy and bright and skippy and song-filled (okay, that's a little too mary poppins), then i turn down the frozen food isle and this overwhelming sense of sadness comes over me.

Of course, it's not ONLY when i'm in the frozen foods section.
Depression stalks me. It waits for me to let my guard down, then pounces on me when it catches me all unawares. We don't talk about it, though. I don't say, "The reason i didn't make it in to work yesterday was because the prospect of getting out of bed seemed too horrible to face."

This is something i've struggled with for years. When i worked in a mental hospital, it seemed the worst. Things have been up and down since then. I'm not sure i've ever discussed it publicly before. (Hell, that's not likely though; i've brought up every potentially embarrassing aspect of my life at least once.) I guess i'm wondering what 's the point. So i get depressed. So what. I still gotta live, right? I still have to get things done if i want 'em done.

So what's the answer? How do i -- without drugs -- address this up-and-down, can't-seem-to-do-nothing blue funk i keep finding myself in?